Human Behaviour
by Breeze100
Summary: After catching Joker in a compromising position, EDI has a few questions she needs answering. Luckily for EDI, Shepard's there to answer her most intimate and awkward quires.


"Shepard, I have a question on human practices," EDI said as she swivelled in her seat to look at the Commander directly.

"Fire away, EDI," Shepard replied, more than a slightly nervous about EDI enquiry. EDI's questions were normally rather philosophical which often left Shepard questioning her own actions and wondering why she did the things she did. EDI's remarks about the purpose of organic life really got her thinking; she found herself mid-kiss with Liara wondering if the impulse to rip the maiden out of her uniform and make a lot of mini asari with her was a predisposed notion passed through her DNA, of if the feelings were her own. Individual. Organic. It didn't take her blue bond-mate long to sense Shepard's brooding and cease her thoughts with the help of the meld…and maybe a few fingers.

"I would prefer it if we could talk outside the airlock. This is a…rather personal matter."

Joker scoffed and scratched his scruffy bread. "It's alright, I get it. A little girly one on one is required. Just make sure she comes back in one piece after you upload her with the code for "essence of human".

In the few seconds it took for Shepard to giggle and run a hand through her hair, EDI had run a scan. "I have scoured the extranet and I have found no such code, Jeff."

"That was a joke," Shepard replied, more than just a little amused.

Unsure how to respond, EDI rose from her seat and lead Shepard away from the bridge. When she was 17 paces away from the airlock, the minimum distance needed for organics on the bridge to not be able to pick up sound, EDI turned and faced Shepard. "As you are a human female, I am unsure whether you are the correct person to make this enquiry to. So, before I ask, I must ask Shepard; have you any experience with human males in a sexual context? I know you are currently engaged in a sexual relationship with Dr. T'Soni but she is not…equipped with the anatomy to which my question pertains."

Shepard blushed. Her relationship with Liara was by no means a secret but to hear about the nature of their relationship from an AI made her feel slightly clinical. Nonetheless, Shepard decided to pull through whilst revealing as little about her sex life as possible. "Why don't you just ask me the question EDI?"

"Very well. During the last mission, I noticed that this unit had gotten particularly unclean. Certain humans on the ship are very fond of showers, especially Specialist Traynor, so I decided to have one. Both to clean and as a matter of scientific study. Fortunately, this unit is entirely waterproof and so I did not see a problem."

Shepard could see this was going to take a while and so she leaned back comfortably (or as comfortable as she could get considering the low monitors beneath her. "Let me guess, did someone walk in on you?"

"Precisely. Lieutenant Moreau passed by and the door was not sealed. I did not deem it necessary to be shy, nor do I have the programming for such an organic feeling. Jeff quickly retreated once he realised what he had seen. He looked rather flustered. When I returned to the bridge, he was not there. I searched the cameras around the areas that he frequents; bridge, CIC, crew's quarters. I could not find him. I then proceeded to look in the less used feeds. I found Joker in the bathroom with her underclothes around his ankles and his right hand moving in a rapid motion. Much of the image was obscured due to the bad camera angle. I also distinctly remember Jeff repeating "EDI". Do you have any insight Shepard?"

Had Shepard been drinking, she would have choked on it. After spurting the majority of it out of her nose that is. _Yes she did just ask you that. Now answer her._ "Well EDI…you have to understand that humans are…filled with hormones?" EDI gave a short nod, prompting the Commander to continued. "Well, some…images can stimulate humans in a… sexual way."

EDI thought for a moment before she nodded. "Is this similar to Jeff's rather extensive collection of unfiltered extranet searches, including Vaenia?"

"Exactly. And when organics are stimulated in this way, they must…relive themselves… if they are not helped by other" The Commander felt herself stammering a lot in a feeble attempt to explain what she meant without breaking into a furious blush. "Have you seen Vaenia, EDI?"

"I have."

"Well, you know right at the beginning when there is an asari dancing for the human? And whilst she watches, her hands are doing something else?"

EDI was silent for several long moments. She suddenly looked back at Shepard in understanding. "I have completed my scan. My results show that the actions of the human female are known as masturbating and the male equivalent is colloquially known as "jacking off" on earth." EDI smile slightly, pleased at her final comprehension. "I have another question."

"Of course you do," Shepard mumbled to herself.

"Why did Jeff feel the need to engage in sexual activities with himself when I am so close and currently in a relationship with him?"

"That's something you need to ask him yourself EDI. My best guess is that he didn't know how to approach the subject of sex with you. Either that or he's not sure if he _can_ even have sex with you." Shepard saw the chance to ask the question that had been in her mind for a very _very _long time. "_Can _he have sex with you?"

"This unit is equipped with few orifices, far less than humans are born with. But this unit's hardware is extraordinary in that it harbours simulated sexual organs that is remarkably similar to human females. It even has a self-lubricating system that enables…"

"I think I've heard enough EDI." Shepard interrupted quickly. "Why don't you ask Joker some of those questions I still know you have." Shepard gave EDI a little friendly push towards the bridge.

"I will do that Shepard. Thank you. In return, I will give you some news that I think you will enjoy."

"Oh yeah? And what's that?"

"Dr. T'Soni is currently in your room. I believe she is in the same position one of the females in Vaenia was in. I also believe that she is waiting for you. I would encourage you to make a speedy ascent into your quarters."

Shepard could barely hide her smile. She gave EDI a hasty wave as she half jogged, half ran through the CIC to the elevator.

EDI returned to her seat and turn to Joker. "Jeff, I have a question."


End file.
